8 July 2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Take off your ridiculous shoes and close your pouty mouth.


^Pouty McPout: Come on, what is that?^
So I’ve just been to see the new Transformers movie ‘Dark of the Moon’ and I have to say I was majorly disappointed. I had traded this 2 and a half hours of my life that I could have otherwise spent watching Ryan Reynolds in skin tight clothing, for witnessing the entire clan of autobots battle it out against some bad-ass, for some reason ‘bleeding’, robot contraptions, all just so Shia LaBeouf could get his end away.
I walked out of the cinema feeling as though the last half an hour of the film had been dedicated to Sam (LaBeouf) getting the girl who would rather receive fancy cars from her boss than stick with Sam and his dreams of saving the world...again.
Funnily enough, had the leading lady still been Megan Fox I doubt I would have even had this problem. I’m not one of those girls that get offended by the obvious use of the female role in films like this. I know very well that they are there to be looked at, add an element of romance and somehow depict a boyish fantasy of a girl and some sort of masculine interest such as motorcycles or in this case, robots that crush other robots.
The minute I heard Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s voice (Carly) I wanted to leave. Then she continued to talk and I wanted to run. Knowing virtually nothing about her, I couldn’t tell if she was genuinely British or not because her accent was so irritatingly exaggerated. I must have missed the part of the film where she was told by her boss, played by the gorgeous   Patrick Dempsey, that she could only wear short white things around him, creating some confusing caricature of an English girl stuck in some LA party girl’s body.
Her dress sense continued to baffle me when she proceeded to drive a $200,000 car wearing high heels. Come on love, I wouldn’t even do that in my KA and it’s probably only worth the cost of the clock on that thing. Furthermore, I found myself searching for the inevitable continuity errors in her ridiculous footwear when after being saved by Sam booted in her Louboutin shoes (Not the greatest attire for running), she can then be spotted wearing a pair of flat pumps of the same colour. I saw this and thought ‘Ah the girl packed sensibly to sleep over at her pervy boss’ house, I can atleast give her some credit’. But no, sure as Sam Witwicky is a love sick idiot, the movie ends with Carly standing tall in her red bottomed heels.
Every time Carly spoke I found myself rocking forwards in my chair like a person verging on insanity because her ridiculous statements made me feel like reaching into the screen, taking her 5 inch heels and hitting her over the head with them. Especially when I thought they were going to turn her into the heroine near the end of the movie when she informs a defeated ‘bot that he was going to become someone’s ‘bitch’. Not even in an unbelievably fictional world like this would a giant monstrosity of metal have an entire change of heart just because some blondie in skinny jeans had a little nag at him.
I felt like Carly spent the entire film with her mouth open, posed in that awful ‘I’m sexy but thinking deeply because chaos is ensuing in front of me’ way. Her giant lips were so far pushed apart that it wasn’t even a subtle addition to her facial expression. Although I’m sure it did the trick when she mouthed ‘Hello boys’ making the geeks sat behind me in the cinema snigger as though she was talking to them. Ew.
                                                                                                                         
I just couldn’t believe that the remaining act of the film revolved around Sam having to save this tart in order to save the world. Come on Sam, you’re not ugly, you had Megan Fox once, there are plenty more fish in the sea. I could even give you some phone numbers.
Ultimately, her character ruined the film for me. It’s not often I’m itching to leave my seat at the cinema but this time the only thing keeping me there was the giant bag of popcorn I had that would have only made me look extremely sad and lonely had I taken it to finish in my car. Don’t get me wrong, the action was all there and still as good as ever (Well except for Optimus getting stuck in some construction cables causing me to wait for the cheesy comedic ‘Wha wha whaaaa’) but it just couldn’t make up for the corny shadow her part cast over the film. I think I’ll just go dig out my copy of the first movie and remember what a good Transformers’ film and leading lady look like.

Love L x